How “full steam ahead!” can put you in God Mode
Why I’m so turned on by the Road Runner
Full steam ahead. Full speed! It's something I dream about but rarely experience. I tend to attract lovers who live their lives swiftly. This could be because A: I want to be in the energy of the movement or B: I want to be inspired by the movement.
You wouldn't know this from how I react to speed though. I thoroughly dislike it. Acting with speed makes me flustered. I become prone to more mistakes, and I burn out or fall short.
This reminds me of my 11 year old self at a track meet in Bellmore, NY. I was a part of a relay race that was district wide. I was chosen out of the whole grade to represent my school and I was put as the last runner of the group because I was small and I was fast. I loved dashing to the finish line at full speed in practice and I always won. Some inner strength loved this opportunity to push myself past the limit of physical understanding into a mode of letting go. I couldn't wait until the day of the meet against the surrounding towns. The cool thing was that this particular race track was really close to my house and I was very familiar with the surroundings. I also knew that the track was laid with small pebbles as opposed to rubber or concrete, but it didn't phase me much at the time.
My grandmother took me to this particular meet on the day equipped with all my emergency asthma medications just in case I stopped breathing and there was a threat of my imminent death. Which, if I analyzed this situation for one of my clients, would be a clue as to why what happened next happened next.
I was set in my spot on the track. Ready and waiting for the baton to be passed in my hand so that I had a chance to sprint to the finish line. I didn't think much about who was around me. I remember being happy that I had the inner lane so that if I stayed tight to the inner curve I'd have a better chance of catching the lead. I felt the baton touch my hand and realized that the girl next to me (much taller and bigger then me) was getting her baton passed too. This was going to be a close one but I was ready.
Ten seconds before the finish line I founds myself pounded on the floor of track, the small black pebbles digging into my knees, hands and my face. The taller girl next to me must've had the same idea I had; hug the inner curve. She hugged the curve so hard her foot tripped into my foot not really shaking her balance but causing me to loose mine and fall ferociously to the pebbled ground.
I could hear the resounding gasps coming from the stands from all the teachers, and parents, and kids. OMG, ALL THE KIDS SAW THIS! OMG. Ow. OMG. Ow. Ow. OMG! I was bleeding pretty badly from both knees as the teachers rushed to my aid.
And my grandmother. Smh. With all her stuff....
I was mortified to say the least and really pissed off. I wanted to win that race and I knew I could. That tall girl with her lanky legs over-stepped her boundaries and tripped me up. Literally. No one apologized and no one got disqualified. Every one instead saw me as the poor victim. Who the hell wants to go from the potential hero to the victim? What just happened here?!?!?! I was bandaged up and hobbled home in defeat.
This is just one example of going for full speed ahead only to get hurt.
Remember grandma? Why did she have such a big role in this story?She was the fear. My projected fear of having it all, of being God herself, of winning!!! There was my fear ready and waiting for disaster to strike so that I could become the victim once again and stay safely in the confines of what I knew best, losing out.
If you go to a track meet already prepared for the disaster the disaster is inevitably going to happen. So, I must still be equating full speed ahead (the no inhibition God zone) as dangerous and inconsiderate (i.e.: lanky leg girl all up in my business and not caring). That is why acting swiftly agitates me so much.
I surround myself with life partners who embrace their swiftness because there must be a part of me that wants to play that way too. There must be a part of me that wants to break free from this belief that finding your fast gallop every day could be disastrous. Maybe I just want to run full speed ahead and feel the wind rushing past me as I cross the finish line.
And then, of course....rest in the glory of success. Don't worry, I won't get addicted to the speed. I love a good lounge wayyyyy too much.
